To the End and Back

Disregarded endeavors, destroyed hopes, an utter feeling of loneliness and the sheer disgust of every single thing around you make wild turns. They leave you with no other option but one and only will to end all this in a single blow. The light you always looked for, the joy you always wanted, and feeling which were as strong as He himself are now drowning, in shallow dust!

And when you are almost on the verge of thinking to commit that, which is the most unmoral and carnally sinuous act of mankind; a power, an unseen force pulls you back and says, "You dumb fool! Have you forgotten about us?" Your sternness and arrogance wants to fight back, saying "I'm useless, irresponsible, unworthy! Let me go, please! Do not stop me, do not compel me to stay behind and watch myself get this excruciating pain!". But that holy mightiness makes you afloat your dreams, your visions, your thoughts and your aims! Then it makes you taste your own decision again. And to your uttermost surprise, what appeared the sweetest and tastiest of all, now tastes awfully bitter!

You are surprised, and demand immediate explanation. The power does nothing, and sets you to your own feet, asking you to walk your way again. But you don't feel like walking towards destruction anymore, you want to stay behind with that power and still necessitate what was yet unanswered, "What did you just do to me? What did you make me feel? Why was all this?". No answer comes. You try listening hard, and harder! But you don't find anything which responds to your agonal cries for just, answers! Suddenly you hear faint whispers, only faded voicelessness. They are voices from within, your inside!

And to your astonishment, every question is now answered, the door to destruction is now closed! You are yourself, yet again!  

Are you really gone?

You close your eyes and stare,

The leaves are dry, and the wind is still,

The ground which was green is now barren,

The air lacks the fragrance that flowers used to fill.

You slip abruptly on something that seemed to come out of nowhere,

And surprisingly you cannot control yourself from falling,

You think you can stand up again, but you can’t,

You try to reach out for a hand, tormented your voice calling!

But you see no hand, you are struggling in void!

You want to let it go, but something says you will be saved.

Waiting in patient expectation of reviving again,

Your life now slowly fades away, the life which you always loved!

You suddenly try to wake up from a dream,

But it seems too late for that, you might not be in one!

Now you allow yourself to pass, because you know,

Every hope is now either lost or maybe there was none!

But to your utter amazement, you do wake up,

Realizing it was actually a dream, so seemingly real and bizarre,

That you almost felt as if you were dying,

And your soul was being taken away somewhere very far!

But when you look down, you are horrified to find,

That the ground which used to be green is now bare,

The leaves are no longer lush, flowers no longer fragrant,

Winds no longer solacing, comfort missed in the air!

You would turn around and face the seas,

But will eventually fall upon your knees,

To discover what you wanted to love, and wanted to care,

Is now gone, and no longer there…

Illusion

Ever tried to figure out why are we here? What is the reason that we have been put into a World full of people and temptations, joy and grief, anger and hatred but at the same time love and care; this is not known completely by any possible spiritual or scientific means. It remains as a hidden and undiscovered truth about our so called lives. Obviously, we are here for a purpose, but we have no clue what that small purpose is. Everything happens for a reason, and there is surely going to be one reason we are here living miserable lives.

One interpretation, which is very well portrayed by the movie trilogy “Matrix” is - we are here because we are inside a game; a game used to keep us in captivity of an unknown power. Our life is a game of this supernatural power. And we, being the elements of the game, need to play it the way we want and the game must continue. The day the game ends, there will be no life, no people, no illusion, but reality.

This, on the very first thought might sound very absurd.  But yes, sometimes I feel that the entire world in front of me is a virtual reality, nothing of this might be the truth. The people, honors, titles, money, fame, development, everything is fake. They have no virtue of existence, but we are making them live, with us. Our ancestors have held them, we are holding them now, and so will our future generation. There is one life, one way to live it and one way to reach to the end of it. But after that? What waits for us on the other side of the river of life, is still a matter of mystery. Some people call it afterlife.

Afterlife can only be lived after we die of course, but what remains in our afterlife is something very crucial and worth real importance, because that super-element will see the face of the actual reality. That super-element is our soul which doesn’t vary with the game parameters. The dynamic variables in the game change our ways of living, our ways of thinking and our very ways of love and anger. But, the only thing that emerges out unscathed is our soul. It holds the key to our real existence, what we really are and what are we really heading into.

The concept of changing life forms by taking re-births is a very well known belief in many religions, especially the Hindu religion. And the constant element in each such transformation is our soul. Whatever life form we take, has our unchanged soul in it, and thus are we existent in this universe. It’s been said in the Hindu literatures that life is like a river and our soul is the one who bathes in the river and changes clothes after that. Every time it takes a bath, it has to replace his old clothes by new ones. That’s how the concept of re-birth came to existence.

If we can find a way to distinguish between this illusion and the reality seen by our soul, then we will definitely find a way why are we here, what is the reason that we have been put into a World full of people and temptations, joy and grief, anger and hatred but at the same time love and care. And as it is said, meditation is one sole path towards this achievement.

Afraid of Being Myself

I don’t know how many of us have felt this, but I am afraid of being myself a lot of times. It is just one unique feeling, which has relevance to no other kind. It’s totally different, absolutely frightening and remarkably difficult to get over with. Fear has its origin in unfamiliarity, curiosity and hatred. And when you are afraid of yourself, it has the direct implication that you are unfamiliar to yourself. You do not know what you are! The curiosity of discovering your own self grows. And when you do not know someone, or you've never seen something, you hate it. Recall what your reaction was, when your teacher punished you for the first time ever, when you hardly knew who he/she was!

I am unfamiliar to myself; I really don’t know what kind of a person am I. Am I good or bad? Am I strong or weak? Am I true enough or just fictive? All these questions come out of nowhere. But they do render me a foreigner to myself. It’s really weird and crazy that a person could have two sides. One which is real and the other one which could be the same as the real one or could entirely be something else. The real one is your true personality, which is actually the right side of you. Even if it’s devilish, then be it. At least you accept what you are. But when you are two sided, and one side is unaware of the other one (let whatever side you be on, the good side or the bad side), you are actually unfamiliar to yourself. And when you are unfamiliar to yourself, why aren’t you scared of yourself?

Sometimes we are curious to know what we actually want and what we actually are. We are incognizant of the visible reality but are ready to believe what is hypothetical and abstract. I don’t understand why I need to think before accepting what my eyes can see. Is it so difficult, or I am curious to still discover a lot of things which are not visible directly. When we are so eager to know about us, we are frightened! What if I discover that I am insane? What if I discover that I am cruel and ruthless? Nobody is a born personality. It is over the time that circumstances, the ambience, the people, the society and what not around us play a vital role into shaping our final model. We are just like clay when we are born and slowly and steadily we are shaped by these factors into what we become ultimately. And I am always curious to know, what all changes were made to me since I was born.

Let it be text books, preaches, statements, quotations or mythologies; everywhere hatred is stripped off the main stream. Hatred is considered to be the most cardinal sin. And to a lot of us, even to me, it really is one. But I hate myself sometimes, and this is one of the reasons I am afraid of myself. I hate myself sometimes for what I am, for what I have done to a lot of people, for I am doing to many people around and for why have I existed on earth with so much guilt in my heart.

It is difficult to analyze ourselves, especially when we are so selfish. We consider our desires to be of the topmost priority, and this makes us blind, non-pious and egotistic. We can’t look thorough our selfishness, we cannot look through and find out about others, which makes us bear two entities, the one which is divine, and one which is devilish. The day we distinguish between these two, is the day we fear ourselves no more. 

Empty Spaces

Looking for peace wherever I go, and not finding it even at home. Is world the same to everyone, or am I the only one lacking something? I understand some people are worse off than what I am in a lot more aspects, but why is this not convincing me to accept happily whatever I get? Why are so many questions arising out of nowhere? Why am I sad? Why am I lonely in the crowd?

I have done some terrible things in my life. I don’t know to what extent are they bad and hideous, but as I say always, “Every single comparison on Earth is relative and nothing stands absolute”. I am feeling guilty inside, and I want to share this, but nothing comes out! I am dying every second within myself; the tension is building every moment. But I am finding nowhere to go!

I am hiding from the truth. I am escaping from what’s real! I am slowly becoming an escapist. Please, believe me! I don’t want to be bad! I am not willing to do what’s not in the best interest of others! I don’t want to hurt you! I want to be normal, but am I insane? Have I got no sense at all? Why is every act of mine rendering me guilty all the time! Why me!

I don’t understand the laws that my normal fellow-mates follow, I have my own perceptions. I think differently, and I am glad that I am different. I don’t see any reason as to why should I follow the pre-made rules exactly in their prescribed format. But why am I still gloomy! Where has my happiness gone?

These are some of the many reasons I keep cursing myself. Inside me, I laugh at the people, who praise me for so many reasons; reasons which are irrelevant to what I actually am. But I cry, I cry for what I have become recently. I am not a good guy, I am not the one I was liked for. I am an illusion. I portray to people of what I am not. I am no one.

Introspection

Have you ever tried to introspect yourself? Our insides are so troubled and agitated, but in due course of time we tend to forget that, or shall I say ignore that. We master ourselves in every other aspect but when it comes to our conscience, we don’t seem to exaggerate it at all, and it hence remains dormant forever. Doesn’t this lead to a perturbed future?

Very often we try to remain silent for some time, not talking to people giving dumb excuses like, “I am not in a good mood” or “I am ill, please leave me alone for a while”, but in actuality we are trying to peep within and see what is wrong with us. This generally happens when an important task or duty goes erroneous or rather is “screwed up”. We try finding faults within ourselves, as to “Why did it happen to me?” Let me take a very special case in our student life. Suppose there are two people A and B, both are extremely good pals. Let’s just say, A has a good academic performance throughout and so does B, but at one point of time A, maintains his firm over the lessons but B, for some reason or the other, is not able to come up to his own expectations. He gets unexpected marks in exams and gets frustrated on his repeated down trod. The first thing that comes to his mind when he tries to introspect himself is “Why did it happen to me? ‘A’ didn’t screw up any test, why is it only me?” Actually, he is not introspecting, but actually finding faults within him. Remember, introspection and finding faults are completely different, we tend to confuse seldom.

This is the time B must be calming himself down, because proving himself inferior to A by finding faults will only demoralize him further and he would remain at that state forever. By this example, what I meant to say is do not try to judge, you will have ample time to do so when you’ll be doing a statistical analysis of your performance later, but for the time being try not to dishearten yourself by highlighting your follies. Now the question is; what is introspection then?

Introspection is long, careful and vivid thinking. It’s about you; give it sufficient time! Unlike B, do not start jumping to conclusions directly, but sit quietly, take deep breaths and let thoughts storm your brain. Think about your desires, your wishes and what makes you happy. You may know that, whatever we do in our lives is for our own happiness, we do not live for others, right? Every tiny action you perform is because you know that will make you happy in some or the other way. So, why ignore that when you are looking into yourself? Now, when you have collected yourself some thoughts start prioritizing them; put the best desire on the top of the list. And then consider the errand that worries you, does it affect the topmost desire too much? If no, then you have no reason to get sad, be cheerful once again! You will surely be that’s for sure!

But if it seems to affect it very much, then it has been time since you have concentrated on it. This is the lack of focus that has taken your path away from your desire. Try to regain that focus, try to look through the insignificant wants and reach your primary goal through the logical route of vision first. You’ll see that you automatically start finding solutions to your problem, because that is hindering your journey to fulfill your desire! And this is true, that solutions come themselves, you don’t have to bang your head on the wall searching for a way to solve the problem you are facing. And once you have done this, there’s no point in mourning! Newton almost had minor cardiac arrests, later when he was old, in happiness when he found a solution to his problems!

This is something I wrote based on myself, I do it and have done it in the past and will improve it in the future. It might happen that people find it illogical and absurd to follow, but it has definitely helped me through.