Afraid of Being Myself

I don’t know how many of us have felt this, but I am afraid of being myself a lot of times. It is just one unique feeling, which has relevance to no other kind. It’s totally different, absolutely frightening and remarkably difficult to get over with. Fear has its origin in unfamiliarity, curiosity and hatred. And when you are afraid of yourself, it has the direct implication that you are unfamiliar to yourself. You do not know what you are! The curiosity of discovering your own self grows. And when you do not know someone, or you've never seen something, you hate it. Recall what your reaction was, when your teacher punished you for the first time ever, when you hardly knew who he/she was!

I am unfamiliar to myself; I really don’t know what kind of a person am I. Am I good or bad? Am I strong or weak? Am I true enough or just fictive? All these questions come out of nowhere. But they do render me a foreigner to myself. It’s really weird and crazy that a person could have two sides. One which is real and the other one which could be the same as the real one or could entirely be something else. The real one is your true personality, which is actually the right side of you. Even if it’s devilish, then be it. At least you accept what you are. But when you are two sided, and one side is unaware of the other one (let whatever side you be on, the good side or the bad side), you are actually unfamiliar to yourself. And when you are unfamiliar to yourself, why aren’t you scared of yourself?

Sometimes we are curious to know what we actually want and what we actually are. We are incognizant of the visible reality but are ready to believe what is hypothetical and abstract. I don’t understand why I need to think before accepting what my eyes can see. Is it so difficult, or I am curious to still discover a lot of things which are not visible directly. When we are so eager to know about us, we are frightened! What if I discover that I am insane? What if I discover that I am cruel and ruthless? Nobody is a born personality. It is over the time that circumstances, the ambience, the people, the society and what not around us play a vital role into shaping our final model. We are just like clay when we are born and slowly and steadily we are shaped by these factors into what we become ultimately. And I am always curious to know, what all changes were made to me since I was born.

Let it be text books, preaches, statements, quotations or mythologies; everywhere hatred is stripped off the main stream. Hatred is considered to be the most cardinal sin. And to a lot of us, even to me, it really is one. But I hate myself sometimes, and this is one of the reasons I am afraid of myself. I hate myself sometimes for what I am, for what I have done to a lot of people, for I am doing to many people around and for why have I existed on earth with so much guilt in my heart.

It is difficult to analyze ourselves, especially when we are so selfish. We consider our desires to be of the topmost priority, and this makes us blind, non-pious and egotistic. We can’t look thorough our selfishness, we cannot look through and find out about others, which makes us bear two entities, the one which is divine, and one which is devilish. The day we distinguish between these two, is the day we fear ourselves no more.