Empty Spaces

Looking for peace wherever I go, and not finding it even at home. Is world the same to everyone, or am I the only one lacking something? I understand some people are worse off than what I am in a lot more aspects, but why is this not convincing me to accept happily whatever I get? Why are so many questions arising out of nowhere? Why am I sad? Why am I lonely in the crowd?

I have done some terrible things in my life. I don’t know to what extent are they bad and hideous, but as I say always, “Every single comparison on Earth is relative and nothing stands absolute”. I am feeling guilty inside, and I want to share this, but nothing comes out! I am dying every second within myself; the tension is building every moment. But I am finding nowhere to go!

I am hiding from the truth. I am escaping from what’s real! I am slowly becoming an escapist. Please, believe me! I don’t want to be bad! I am not willing to do what’s not in the best interest of others! I don’t want to hurt you! I want to be normal, but am I insane? Have I got no sense at all? Why is every act of mine rendering me guilty all the time! Why me!

I don’t understand the laws that my normal fellow-mates follow, I have my own perceptions. I think differently, and I am glad that I am different. I don’t see any reason as to why should I follow the pre-made rules exactly in their prescribed format. But why am I still gloomy! Where has my happiness gone?

These are some of the many reasons I keep cursing myself. Inside me, I laugh at the people, who praise me for so many reasons; reasons which are irrelevant to what I actually am. But I cry, I cry for what I have become recently. I am not a good guy, I am not the one I was liked for. I am an illusion. I portray to people of what I am not. I am no one.